In this cruel world, it is not easy to find high-quality, mass-produced hoagie buns. This is one of the facts of life that torments the thoughtful Philly-ologist inside all of us, and the tender Philly-ologist inside of me is no exception. The buns surrounding the hearty meat on my cookie-cutter cafeteria tray were just another barbed whip to the back of my inner Philly-phile. Plain and airy, this sandwich's money-maker was hardly shaking. The only thing these buns did right was stay out of the way and that's enough for a failing grade of 5 out of 10.
Beyond the bun, my taste-buds are disoriented in a whole new world of unexpected flavor. As the always-effervescent Ayn Rand would say, “Bad steak is the most dangerous threat to man’s rights: it holds a legal monopoly on the use of physical force against legally disarmed victims.” The second part of that quote seems to have gotten away from her a bit, but the crux of it is this: a steak mistake can make or break a lunch break. On the day when this phrase faced its greatest barricade, my cake day, the steak came through in spades (2). One point must be taken off for the meat eventually cooling to room temperature as I ate, an issue which needs addressing. The basic laws of thermodynamics are against us fellow Philly-philes, do not bend to their will!
Here at the Philly Cheesesteak Review International Headquarters, or PhChRIHq, our expansive team of consults rewards risk-taking. Sure, the luddite Cheesesteak reactionaries will criticize us endlessly for pushing the boundaries of sandwich-making, but we don't exist to please those Liberty Bell-riding, brother-loving chalk-biters. We have a vision where all cheesesteaks can unite in a glorious hoagie parade that spans the globe. Oh, what's that? Your bread is a little soggy? Join the parade brother! Oh, your beef is organically raised? March on comrade! But as with every parade, a line must be drawn, and here at PhChRIHq we mark that line in processed dairy. This starry-eyed sandwich wants to join the parade, but it is clearly made with (brace yourselves) shredded cheese. How do I know this? The cheese wasn't even melted! The criminal record on this cheddar is longer than a cheesesteak parade (which can be literally yards long). The mildly parmesan-esque shreds did little in comparison to the bold seasoning of the meat and called to mind images of the stale bags of shredded cheese in my refrigerator at home.
- Presentation [2/2]:
I can't fault consistency, and there is unwavering consistency with the paperboard food-boat in which Epic serves all of their sandwiches. It's nothing fancy, just a beautiful sandwich against a red and white checkered pattern, classic. If that doesn't scream Philly to you, I'd bet you've never even visited the place.
- Value [2/2]:
- Atmosphere [2/2]:
- Sides [2/2]:
- The Extra Mile [2/2]:
“Now all I gotta say to you wannabe, gonnabe, pussy-eatin' cock-suckin' pranksters, when the shit jumps off what the fuck you gonna do. Damn it feels good to eat a sandwich.”
- Geto Boys